Honey, I've Been There
by Griselda Banks
Summary: Oneshot. "No matter what he did or said, no matter how damaged and pathetic he was, there was one thing of which he could be certain: Juliet Rogers loved him... And that was enough love to outweigh every last terrible thing he'd ever done."


**Author's Note: This fic comes a day later than it should have, due to a miscalculation on my part, but here it is at last! This simple little story has been building up in my head for quite a while now, stemming from a stray thought while listening to the song I quote below. For some reason, I felt like Bucky was the one singing the song, even though I couldn't think of any canonical event or character that it could fit. So naturally, what did I do but throw the idea at my friend NewMoonFlicker and see if she had any thoughts? She did one better, and drew the unbelievably beautiful cover art** _ **in one night**_ **and inspired me to no end. Before I knew it, we had created this whole AU about Steve's children, and the kind of relationship Bucky might have with them.**

 **Be advised that this is an AU where Steve and Sharon get married, have children, and are actually able to have a semi-normal life together. I first introduced Jimmy in my fic Worth a Thousand, but this is my first time introducing their daughter. I hope she captures your heart as completely as she did mine!**

 _Be brave, little Juliet  
Just wait, little Juliet, you'll see  
I know you can't understand  
I know it's hard to trust these hands when you're so scared  
Honey, I've been there  
Please believe it won't be long  
So, baby, hold on_

 _\- "Little Juliet" by David Hodges_

Bucky had never considered himself very good with babies, or children in general. It wasn't that he didn't like them, he just...never knew what to do or say around them. He was a damaged man, a hardened soldier who had been forced into assassination, haunted by trauma and demons he doubted he would ever fully escape. His body was so strong he could easily harm others if he wasn't careful, and he had a frightening hunk of metal for an arm. Not exactly a cuddly teddy bear.

He told himself it didn't matter so much, because he was never going to marry and have children of his own. He could appreciate his friends' children from a distance, help them when they really needed it, and just make sure he was extra careful not to hurt them or scare them.

When Steve and Sharon had introduced Bucky to their first child, Bucky had secretly thought he was rather ugly. He was wrinkled and scrawny, like a pink, bawling pug. Jimmy was four now, and he'd turned into a cute (if still scrawny) miniature version of Steve himself. Bucky could see now why people cooed over how adorable he was.

But nothing had prepared him for his first sight of their daughter. After waiting for almost forty-eight hours while the doctors attempted to keep Sharon from going into labor, and then battling to keep the premature infant alive, they were finally allowed into the ICU to see her. Steve proudly led his friends over to the isolette protecting his tiny daughter from a world she wasn't strong enough to face.

At first, Bucky hung back to let Sam and Natasha crowd forward and gush over how beautiful she was. Steve lifted Jimmy so he could look down at his little sister, then glanced over at Bucky and scooted to one side, beckoning him closer with a tilt of his head. Bucky stepped closer to the isolette, looking at the tiny form within...and he saw an angel.

He could never explain it, not even to himself. She was as tiny and wrinkled and pitiful-looking as her brother had been, if not more so. She was trussed up with various tubes and wires monitoring her status and keeping her alive. She looked no different from Jimmy, or any other babies he had seen.

But as he bent over her, she opened her light blue eyes and blinked up at him. Bucky let out a shaky breath as the others' conversation faded to meaningless babble around him. He didn't say a word, just gazed down at this little person he didn't even know yet.

 _Juliet Rogers,_ he said silently to her, brushing his fingers against the clear plastic between them, _we've only just met, but I want you to know that I love you with all my heart, to my dying day._

He didn't notice as the others fell silent and looked at him in surprise. He just stood there, staring down at her with a little smile on his face. And Juliet stared back at him, as though neither of them could take their eyes off each other.

* * *

When Juliet was one, Sharon knew she loved Bucky. Her first distinct word that she used consistently, showing that she actually knew its meaning, wasn't "Mama" or "Papa" like most children. It wasn't "bye-bye" or "no," which had been Jimmy's first words. She looked up when Bucky came into the room, clapped her chubby little hands, and laughed, "Baaa-keeee!"

The smile that broke across Bucky's face made him look twenty years younger. "Did you just say my name, Angel?" he cried, scooping her into his arms and swinging her around over his head to make her laugh. "Your daddy's never going to forgive me for this!"

Juliet just laughed, shrieking, "Baa-kee, Baa-kee!"

* * *

When Juliet was two, Steve knew she loved Bucky. Whenever the low rumble of Bucky's motorcycle sounded in the distance, Juliet would leap to her feet and shriek, "Uncle Bucky!" If she was downstairs, she would race to the front door and haul it open; if she was upstairs, she would try to slide down the banister like she saw her brother do.

Juliet was always the first one Bucky greeted when he came over, and she would latch onto him the whole time he was there. While the grownups sat around talking, Juliet would drag Bucky off to be her horse as she galloped across the land, or to be the loyal servant of Queen Juliet and counsel her reign over her stuffed animals.

Jimmy loved Bucky too, and both of them were always excited when Sam came over, but everyone could see that there was something special about Bucky's relationship with Juliet. His eyes lit up when he looked at her, and his whole face softened till he looked more like the man who had gone off to war than he had in decades.

Juliet was healing wounds not even Steve had been able to mend. She looked at him with such adoration that he actually began to believe that he was worth it. She didn't know or care what he had been through or what he had done, but just loved him with the unconditional abandon of childhood.

Steve liked to say that she was living proof that love for Bucky was in his blood.

* * *

When Juliet was three, Sam knew she loved Bucky. He stepped inside the Rogers' house, which stood still and quiet. He knew that Steve and Sharon were taking Jimmy shopping to get school supplies for when he started first grade in a couple weeks, but Bucky was supposed to be babysitting Juliet.

Then he heard a girlish giggle from upstairs, accompanied by a deep chuckle he knew all too well. He headed up to investigate, following the sound of voices to Juliet's room. Bucky sat on the little pink chair in front of the child-sized vanity where Juliet could play dress-up.

Bucky perched carefully on the chair, while Juliet stood at his side, wearing her favorite princess dress. "Hi, Uncle Sam!" she cried brightly.

Only when Bucky turned to face him did Sam realize there was a pink bow in his hair, and a sloppy attempt at a braid hanging down one side of his face. A generous portion of rouge had been applied to both cheeks, and bright red lipstick was smeared across his lips like he'd been caught eating a cherry pie. There was even something glittery on his eyelids, snaking up onto his forehead.

When he trusted himself to say it without laughing, he said, "Well...don't you two look...lovely."

"I'm makin' Uncle Bucky _byootafull!_ " Juliet said, sticking a bobbly butterfly clip in his hair.

Bucky batted his eyelashes at Sam. "I know you're just jealous. We should do you next."

"No!" Juliet cried. "You hafta make _me_ byootafull next!"

Bucky landed a loud, squelching kiss on her cheek, leaving a bright red lip mark and making her giggle. "Darling, you're already the most beautiful princess the world has ever seen."

* * *

When Juliet was four, Bucky knew she loved him.

It had been a rough day. Everywhere he turned, he was hounded by the shadows of his past. Though it had been years since he'd killed anyone, there were still some days that ghosts seemed to appear before him every time he closed his eyes. He tried all day to distract himself, to keep the voices in his head quiet.

He had attempted many things over the years to get rid of this soul-crushing weight of guilt, and some days he nearly let it crush him flat. But he had learned long ago that when it became too much to bear, he could always run to Steve for help. When he couldn't remember why life was worth continuing, Steve would remind him.

Bucky pulled into the driveway of the Rogers' house, turning off the noisy engine of the motorcycle and just sitting there for a long minute before he could force himself to get to his feet and move to the front door. He had been over here so many times that he didn't even bother to ring the doorbell anymore, but just quietly opened the front door and walked in.

Standing in the unlit entryway, Bucky had never felt so separate from the happy people around him. He could hear Juliet singing in the bathtub, and Sharon quizzing Jimmy on his spelling words. The TV was on in the living room, the distant buzz of a cheering crowd in some sports broadcast casting an undercurrent beneath all the domestic sounds of an ordinary evening.

Following a hunch, Bucky drifted into the living room. Sure enough, Steve lay on the couch watching a baseball game. Bucky could tell, from the exhausted droop of his eyes, that he wasn't even paying much attention to the game. He was just too worn out to move. Steve might be physically tired from the thankless work of protecting the innocent, but Bucky was mentally exhausted from failing to do so for so many years.

Steve turned his head and smiled wearily. "Hey, Buck."

Those simple words frayed the knots of tension in Bucky's chest. He paused only long enough to kick off his shoes and toss his sweatshirt onto a chair before he crossed the room and flopped down on top of Steve. "I need you," he whispered.

"I'm here."

Steve gathered him into his strong, capable arms and shifted him into a more comfortable position on top of him. Bucky rested his head against Steve's chest, where he could hear his steady heartbeat and feel his warmth seep into him through Steve's shirt.

He began to talk—in slow, halting whispers that didn't even form complete sentences. He poured out all of his thoughts and fears to Steve, all of the horrible names he called himself, all of the nightmares that plagued him even in his waking hours. At one time, he had been too ashamed to speak any of this out loud, but long years of experience had taught him to spill it all in front of Steve, even when he didn't feel like he deserved to have anyone listen to him.

As ever, Steve listened to him quietly, letting him express everything he needed to. He didn't try to counter any of what Bucky was saying about himself, just held him and occasionally placed a gentle kiss on his cheek or his forehead.

"Daddy?"

Bucky peeked between the greasy, unwashed strands of his hair to see Juliet standing by the coffee table in her nightgown, her hair wet and freshly combed. She was sucking uncertainly on one of her fingers, taking in Bucky with wide blue eyes.

"Hey, Juli-baby," Steve said gently, extending a hand to her. "Don't worry, Uncle Bucky just had a rough day, and he needs lots of extra love tonight. Why don't you come tell him goodnight?"

Bucky closed his eyes, ashamed that innocent little Juliet had to see him like this. But then he felt the couch cushions sag slightly underneath them, followed by little hands and feet clambering up on top of him. Juliet crawled across his back and lay down, her little hands gripping the fabric of his shirt so as not to slip off. He felt her stretching as far as she could before planting the tiniest of kisses on the back of his neck, the only part of him she could reach. At almost the same time, Steve kissed him again on the forehead.

Sandwiched between their unconditional love and unfailing affection, Bucky finally broke down. Eyes that had been dry all day suddenly filled with tears, and a bone-deep sob shook his whole body.

No matter what he did or said, no matter how damaged and pathetic he was, there was one thing of which he could be certain: Juliet Rogers loved him as much as her father loved him. And that was enough love to outweigh every last terrible thing he'd ever done.

* * *

But when Juliet was five, the world came crashing down.

Part of Bucky cursed himself for letting her steal his heart so completely. Didn't he know that everything he loved would be torn away from him in the end? How had he expected this to be any different? But another part of him—the larger part—knew that in a thousand lifetimes, even if he knew everything that would happen, he would never really regret loving Juliet. She had given him back a piece of his heart he hadn't even realized he'd lost.

It was a weak heart, the doctors said. She had been born much too early, and it had never quite formed properly. It had never been given a chance to grow strong enough to last out here in this cold, harsh world. At five years old, she should have been running around outside, chasing butterflies and learning about the world. She should have been going to kindergarten and proudly bringing her teddy bears to Show and Tell.

Instead, she was confined to her bed most of the time, had dozens of tests done by dozens of doctors, and had to be carried up and down the stairs. She couldn't play for very long before her breath came in tiny little gasps and her small body grew lethargic and still. The doctors said they feared a heart attack, and said her family would need to prepare for the worst.

But how _could_ they prepare? Juliet had only been around for a tiny fraction of Bucky's life, yet he couldn't fathom not having her in it anymore. Living with this dread of the inevitable was like walking around in the middle of a nightmare.

Then finally the verdict came in: Juliet needed a heart transplant, and all they had to do was wait for the right donor. The suspense was killing them all, knowing that every day could be the last one with Juliet in it. Finally, Bucky managed to convince Steve and Sharon to get out of the house and enjoy an evening together, rather than sit around worrying endlessly about Juliet.

Bucky had just finished tucking Jimmy in, lingering longer than usual because of how much more clingy Jimmy had been lately, when he paused in the hallway and realized he could hear the soft sound of crying from Juliet's room. He slipped into the room, thinking she must have had a nightmare, and closed the door softly behind him. He turned on the dim lamp on her bedside table, sending constellations across the walls from the star-shaped cutouts on the lampshade.

Juliet looked up, huge tears rolling down her cheeks, and let out another breathless sob.

"What's wrong, sweetheart?" he asked, kneeling down by the side of her bed. "Why are you crying?"

"'Cuz...'Cuz I got a bad heart..."

The pain in her eyes stabbed him straight through the chest. He brushed her soft blonde hair out of her face. "No, honey, that's not true..."

She sniffled and screwed up her face even farther, pressing her little fists against her eyes. "But I gotta get a new one 'cuz my heart's all bad! Mommy an' Daddy said so!"

"Oh, baby, come here..."

He pulled her into his arms as he slid into her bed, pulling up the blanket printed with zoo animals to cover them both. Juliet settled against his chest, her tears creating a damp spot right over his heart. Bucky recognized the pained little gasp that accompanied every pitiful sob; Steve had sounded like that when he was too weak to even breathe without pain. Bucky whispered words of comfort into her hair and rubbed her back in soothing circles, just as he had done to her father when they were so much younger. Gradually, her breathing slowed and her tears ceased except for the occasional sniffle.

After several long minutes, Juliet said in a quavering voice, "Uncle Bucky...when they take my heart out, is everything inside it gonna come out too?"

Bucky rolled onto his side, laying her head gently on the pillow next to him so he could look at her in surprise.

Juliet looked up at him, her eyes wet and her nose running. "Daddy says when you love somebody, you hold 'em in your heart an' you never let go. If I get a new heart, it won't have you an' Mommy an' Daddy an' Jimmy an' Uncle Sam an'...an'..." Another almighty sob shook her whole body.

"No, Precious, no, shhhh..." He kissed her cheek, tasting salt on his lips. "Don't you worry one bit, you hear me? Love is stronger than that." His right arm was trapped beneath her, so he grabbed a tissue with his metal hand and wiped her tears away as gently as he could with the arm that had been designed as a weapon. "Even if you forgot all about us, that love would never go away. No matter what anyone does to you, no matter how much time passes, I know there's so much love in you it's just spilling out all over the place."

Juliet sniffled and looked up at him with the same wondering eyes that he had seen in the hospital when she was born. "Really?"

He smiled gently at her. "Yeah. Can't you see it? It's shining in your eyes like little rainbows."

Her blue eyes sparkled as she beamed at him. "I wanna see!"

Metal fingers brushed her hair from her forehead, and she never flinched. "Then look into my eyes."

* * *

Once again, Bucky was waiting in the hospital. Just like when Juliet was born, Bucky sat in the hard waiting room chairs with Sam on one side and Jimmy on the other. Everything had come full circle, from birth to... No, he couldn't think like that. He was already anxious enough, knotting his fingers together and jiggling one leg up and down. If he thought too much about the possibilities, he might just scream and punch a hole through the wall, as if that would make any of this terror go away.

Jimmy pulled out his inhaler, and somehow that jolted Bucky out of his endless cycle of anxiety. He glanced between Jimmy and Sam, and realized they were just as scared as he was. The possibility that they might have seen Juliet for the last time hurt them just as much as it hurt him.

He thought of Steve and Sharon, who were the only ones allowed in the little waiting room right outside the operating room. How terrified must they be, waiting for news that there had been complications in their precious daughter's complicated surgery, and they would never see her again? Bucky wished he could help them somehow, rather than sitting uselessly here in the waiting room.

The clock ticked loudly on the wall behind them, but he was too afraid to check and see how long they'd been sitting there. If it hadn't been very long, it would only make the suspense even worse. If it had been hours and hours, that might indicate something had gone wrong. And he would rather sit here forever in suspense than learn the irrevocable truth that Juliet was...

Their silent vigil was suddenly broken when Steve stepped into the room. The other families who sat there waiting looked up hopefully, then away again when they saw it wasn't a doctor. But Bucky shot to his feet instantly, and Jimmy raced into his father's waiting arms. Steve's face, lined with exhaustion, looked ten years older than before. He caught his son up in his arms and walked closer to where Bucky stood rooted to the spot.

Then he smiled, and Bucky's knees gave out. Sam caught him before he could fall to the ground, and helped him sink back into his chair. "Woah, easy there," he said, though he kept his eyes riveted to Steve's face.

"She's all right," Steve said, lips trembling as his smile widened. "Her condition is stable." He kissed Jimmy on the cheek and clasped Sam's shoulder with his free hand. Jimmy took one look at his father's tear-filled eyes and burst into quiet tears of his own, burying his face out of sight in Steve's shirt.

Steve let go of Sam long enough to wipe his eyes. "Sorry it took so long to get back here. They wanted to wait till she woke up before they let her have any visitors." He smiled down at Bucky. "She's been asking for you."

That revived him enough to get him to numbly follow Steve down the corridors to Juliet's room. It was all he could do not to break into a run and dash the whole way with all the speed of a supersoldier.

But finally, he stepped into the recovery room lined with several beds filled with patients fresh from surgery. He followed Steve to one particular bed hidden behind a curtain, where Sharon sat in a chair smiling at them. Bucky pulled the curtain aside and found the heartbreaking sight of his little princess swamped with blankets and various tubes. One machine kept up a steady beeping noise that was music to his ears. The sound of her new, strong heart beating life and warmth into her small body.

At first, it seemed that Juliet was asleep. But as he bent over her, she groggily opened her eyes. She had to blink a few times before she seemed to recognize him. "Uncle...Bucky...?"

He smiled gently, stroking his knuckles against her smooth cheek. "I'm here, baby girl. There's nothing to be afraid of anymore. You're going to be just fine."

Her small fingers raised sluggishly to touch his stubbled cheek. "I can see the rainbows, Uncle Bucky..."

* * *

Naturally, Bucky was one of those present for the day Juliet finally got her stitches out. The recovery from such an invasive surgery had been long and hard, but the doctors only had good things to say about her progress. Bucky was convinced she was doing so well because she was so well loved.

When Juliet emerged from the examination room with her parents, she immediately headed over for the group in the waiting room. "You hafta kiss my boo-boo away!" she announced to them all. She wouldn't take no for an answer, but stopped in front of each person until they kissed her on the cheek. Not that anyone present minded in the slightest.

After she'd made it all the way around the circle, Juliet pulled the neck of her nightgown down far enough to expose the spot on her chest where her scar showed stark red against her pale skin. Her face fell and she let go of her nightgown. "Guess it's gonna take lotsa kisses 'fore I get byootafull again," she said sadly.

"Nonsense," Bucky said, squatting down to look her in the eye. "You were so beautiful already our kisses didn't need to change a thing."

Juliet thought about that for a minute, frowning in concentration. She looked up, her sky-blue eyes clouded over with worry. "Does that mean you're not gonna kiss me no more?"

In response, Bucky gave her an extra-scratchy, whiskery kiss. Her carefree giggle made his heart sing. "I'll kiss you every day, love."


End file.
